my-ruin's Diaryland Diary

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Escape.

Everyonce in a while I think about (southern) California. I've never been, so my frame of reference is tiny. I think of pictures Jackie used to show me. I think of how great Amy looks since she's moved there. How happy she is. I think six feet under. I think ghost world. Image is everything.

I think of sunshine hitting the pavement in all the right places. I think of sand. I think warm. I think ocean.

And then I think "why am i here?".
Its this sweet escape.
Of course the reality of California, in my head, is skewed. I know better, but the optomist in me wants to flock.
I want to travel and end up outside hollywood. Its not the celebrity. Its the palm trees.

Then I think New York. I know New York well, but no one will ever really know New York. I love New York.
Its a place I can belong.

Its home.
Its cold, its hard, its real.
It is everything that California is not.

I am not home.
I am in CT. I do not belong here.
There is nothing for me. My only comfort lies in our tiny apartment which doesn't even feel like any bit of my own. Its not.

1:48 pm - 03.08.07

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