my-ruin's Diaryland Diary

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i can't die in water.

i |a m| a |l o s e r.|
because i cant win.

I don't know if i'm trying hard enough. I don't know if i ever have or ever will. I don't know if i'll ever get things right. I don't know if things are supposed to be right. I don't know that what i have is what i want. I don't know if i'll ever have what i want. Then again, i dont know what i want. I don't even know what i need.

Sometimes something will happen. Sometimes you're not even sure what it was that happened. but it feels like reality slapped you in the face. it opened wounds. poured salt in them. and maybe went so far as to stitch them back up.

it feels like my heart has been removed. and i got to watch it spin in circles as it goes down the drain. i don't know why. it feels like my lungs have been filled with the most viscous of fluids.
i c a n t b r e a t h e
i'm drowning again. in that same pool as last time.

if i'm lucky, someone will take notice and pull me out. but they won't. i don't know if i should splash, or just sink un-noticed. either way,